At age fourteen, I thought that I had everything figured out. I thought that I was unique in knowing what I wanted my career to be: singing and songwriting. While I still adore those two things and would love to pursue them full-time, it’s not the only thing that I ended up wanting to do.
When I was sixteen, I attended a pre-med/health sciences camp run by a fourth-year medical student and emergency medical technician (EMT). Through this opportunity, I learned lots of basic things about the human body, medical ethics, and also emergency medicine services. This experience led me to completely change my mindset towards school. Instead of just completing homework to graduate while prioritizing music, I switched my main effort to learning and aiming for a high-prestige college.
Despite this, I was super uncomfortable with the possibility of choosing something different. I told myself that my career options were limited to music or medicine, nothing beyond that. I tried to hold onto the certainty of what I prescribed myself at ages fourteen and sixteen, never allowing myself to change my mind and choose something else.
Now, as a senior applying to college, I’ve struggled with clicking on the science/technology/engineering/mathematics (STEM) major instead of the vocal performance major that my younger self wanted to pursue. While I haven’t graduated high school yet, I am still scared of the possibility of changing my major while three hours away from home, scared of finding out that a STEM major isn’t for me. I am scared of dropping out of college because I don’t feel “smart enough.” I am scared of paying money for a semester or more, only to find out that the careers I had planned aren’t for me.
However, through lots and lots of eating disorder treatment, I’ve been able to apply what I learned there: that fear is not inherently evil, instead, it is just an emotion that can be used as a guide for my actions. While I am still frightened of the idea of roaming around a college campus with no idea as to what I want to do, I feel comfort in knowing that everything will work itself out.
“You need to learn how to trust yourself,” said a staff member when I asked if I was still on close-observation mealtime (COS) for hiding food. This struck me because all my life I had been taught that I am not to trust myself at all and that my actions should never derive from self-trust. But I followed her direction, and over time I was able to build a safe amount of trust within myself. I don’t have to do the things my brain tells me to, and I don’t have to let fear rule over my life.
I still use her advice two years later. When I worry about changing my major or not feeling smart enough, I remind myself that I’m trustworthy, because everything I have once worried about has worked itself out. Just because I can’t see an eventual positive outcome doesn’t mean that it can’t or won’t happen. Similarly, just because I make mistakes or change my career doesn’t mean my life is over.
Everything still feels so serious sometimes, like applying to colleges and clicking buttons that determine my residence, major, financial aid, merit, and all of that. I’d be lying if I said that all my anxiety is gone. While it has decreased, I know that anxiety is just an emotion and doesn’t determine possible negative outcomes as true or false, imminent or preventable.
Over time, I have built trust within myself with things like recovery and not acting out on urges. I know that if I can overcome the things that I have dealt with, I can handle changing my career. All I want in my career is to be happy and to make a difference in society, and I can trust myself in knowing that wherever I go, I’ll try my best.
And that’s all that matters. Making a lifelong decision as a teenager is bound to not last for the rest of your life, and that’s fine. Life is not meant to be constricted into one job or career. We humans are ever-changing, and it is a beautiful thing to recognize that. Life is too short not to do what makes your heart happy.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with substance use or an emotional crisis, help is available. Text or call 988 or chat 988lifeline.org to speak with a caring counselor 24/7.
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