KatherineCW: Mentions of disordered eating, anorexia, and competitiveness.
Competitiveness in eating disorders runs deep due to the extreme comparison of bodies, behaviors, and physical issues between oneself and another. While someone may think that they are not “anorexic enough” because another person displays more extreme behaviors, that latter person might think the same about the former. This is a common experience for people with anorexia to suffer from – the drive to reach this unsaid and undefined “sick enough,” whether to prove it to themselves, others, or the ED (eating disorders). Most of us know, though, that there is no “sick enough” – it only leads to death.
“Why would anyone want to get worse? Wanting to get sicker is only a symptom of desiring attention and pity, no one with an eating disorder would want to get worse and not better.”
This is a very frequent question and opinion from individuals who are uneducated about this illness. The specific reason as to why anyone would put their effort into getting worse and not better is different for everyone. Some people do not experience this urge at all, although, during the time I’ve been through treatment, I can confirm from my experience, that it is the case for a lot of individuals, myself included.
Eating disorders often have strict expectations for their subjects, typically defined by weight loss goals, specific behavior frequency and intensity, physical and mental ailments, and other possible factors. However, even when I reached what I thought would be sick enough, it turned out not to be. It didn’t matter that I hit my goal weight: now I had to lose more. It didn’t matter that my vitals were declining: they weren’t as bad as the other patients. It didn’t matter that I got sent to the hospital, because I was only there for a few hours.
There is no winning or continuous fulfillment that comes from reaching an eating disorder’s initial goal. The disorder always finds another thing to guilt one into trying to “achieve” before it kills them. Because the eating disorder doesn’t actually care about your “success” – it only cares about killing you.
But everyone gets told that. That’s routinely and religiously repeated throughout therapy, dietetic and medical sessions, and it tends to lose its impact after a few times of being said. But just because a phrase like “there is no sick enough” gets drilled into our brains doesn’t mean that it’s any less true. If anything, it makes it more true.
I have seen countless individuals who were convinced that they hadn’t reached “sick enough” and that because of that, they didn’t deserve recovery, despite the apparent severity of their behaviors and core beliefs. It’s even harder for me to think that I am a duplicate of others’ experiences, that while I may not think that I am sick enough, others may think of me what I think of them: sick enough.
Despite an ED’s attempt at convincing one otherwise, the eating disorder has no plan to announce to anyone that they have reached the pinnacle of sickness and that they deserve recovery and to leave it all behind. The motive for the eating disorder is to kill, no matter the type of behavior that is utilized most. There is no winning during an eating disorder’s schemes: its only desire is to kill you, despite how comforted or high or numb it can make you feel. When the thing that is giving you affection is something that is killing you, there needs to be an intervention. Recovery is a scary, uncertain, daunting thing: but so is dying too soon from an eating disorder. There is life out there, we just have to travel through the dark in order to reach the light.
Some helpful resources include the Alliance for ED, Eating Disorder Hope, Academy for Eating Disorders, Eating Disorder Coalition, and the NIMH.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with substance use or an emotional crisis, help is available. Text or call 988 or chat 988lifeline.org to speak with a caring counselor 24/7.
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