The Pressure to ‘Be Fine’: Confronting Grief and its Stigma

I recently lost my grandmother, which was probably one of the biggest losses that I’ve ever experienced in my life, especially because it happened very suddenly. I spent several months of the year in her company, and spoke with her everyday; she was like a second mother to me. After this loss, the automatic reaction would be to cry every time I thought of her. However, whenever I was with my grandmother’s siblings and we cried together, they would tell me “We can’t cry because God and your grandmother’s soul will not be happy.” This always struck me as odd. Would my grandmother be upset that we are grieving her loss?

Throughout this grieving process, several questions have come to mind. When is grieving acceptable? After an immense loss, is it okay to cry and show your emotions? Most people would probably say “yes” from an outside perspective, but would they actually practice this themselves? The stigma around grieving perpetuates with every loss that most people experience. When someone asks “How are you doing?” the typical response  is “fine” or “good.” However, individuals shouldn’t automatically feel compelled to say they’re “good” after a loss. 

To address mental health in our society, it’s very important to dismantle the stigma surrounding grief, especially in faith-driven communities. Grief is not the only thing that is taboo amongst faithful communities – overall discussions around mental health and suicide prevention are often suppressed. Studies have shown that when faith communities have open discussions about suicidal ideation, grief, and support-seeking, it has very positive benefits for the community. 

With this, it is important to acknowledge that everyone grieves in their own way. There is no method to predict how you will feel tomorrow, next week, or even next year. Some individuals may grieve by crying, some might not cry at all. Some might work long hours and some might play video games all day. Whatever it may be, it’s important to find a balance and not get into a slump of doing the same thing all day. Find the people around you that you can lean on, and make sure they know what you’re going through so they can support you. These could be friends, relatives, neighbors, colleagues, or anyone you feel comfortable with. 

Although supportive communities are important, make sure you take time to be alone with your thoughts. Whether you are feeling angry, sad, or confused, just sit with it and don’t try too hard to suppress your emotions. Emotions are normal and you need to experience them to understand what you are going through and eventually let it pass. As I alluded to earlier, there is no timeline for when grieving stops. You may be immensely sad for a month and be fine for the next, and all of the sudden have a bad week. 

In conclusion, grieving is a deeply complex, personal, and unique journey. Breaking the stigma around grief is crucial for promoting mental health and overall well-being. Encouraging open discussions about grief, mental health, and seeking support can have profound positive impacts on individuals and communities alike. Remember to lean on your support network and take care of yourself during this time. Grief may ebb and flow, and that’s perfectly normal. By acknowledging and embracing our emotions, we honor both our own healing process and the memory of those we have lost.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with substance use or an emotional crisis, help is available. Text or call 988 or chat 988lifeline.org to speak with a caring counselor 24/7.