Ashley BCW: Self-harm, depression, and anxiety.
I have a lot of bad habits, all varying in severity – from procrastination to my habits of cutting and skin picking, often to the point of self-injury. Both are self-destructive tendencies that harm me in some capacity, but the difference lies in the type of harm. In my opinion, the latter habit is considerably worse than the former, despite the similar frequency with which I do them both.
Unfortunately, these are not the only bad habits I’ve struggled with, but I want to clear my conscience and have a fresh start in the new year. To me, an important part of achieving this means I must admit to the toll my mental illnesses have taken on me during 2024. This blog will involve me recounting my experience with self-harm, providing some insights into how I have handled these challenges, and discussing the changes I hope to make moving forward in 2025.
In the Fall of 2019, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, and Social Anxiety – the Triple Whammy as I like to call it. While self-reflecting, I realized I didn’t feel the urge to harm myself until a little over two years after my diagnosis. To provide context, it was the Spring of 2021 and I was a senior in high school and life was looking up. I had been accepted to all but one college I applied to, I had an outstanding scholarship offer to my top choice, and COVID-19 cases were slowly decreasing in my area. So, why was I so depressed that I resorted to self-harm?
In hindsight, I was severely anxious about my new future as a college student. While I was going to be attending my first choice of school, I would also be over 4 hours away from home with no immediate family or any friends nearby. Everything was going to be new. A fresh start. Long story short, I temporarily went to the hospital for an emergency psychiatric evaluation a week before I moved on campus. Despite this hiccup, the transition from home to college went relatively well otherwise.
Fast forwarding to December of this past year, I had just wrapped up the fall semester of my senior year of college. You might think this would relieve some of my accumulated stress, but instead, my anxiety was at an all-time high in over three years. Whenever these phases happen, I cannot comprehend my emotions, especially their roots. I often ascribe meaning to my feelings before allowing myself to experience them (another bad habit of mine). When I don’t do this step first, my emotions feel too overwhelming and, unfortunately, I relapse and self-harm.
I’ve mentioned having a fresh start a few times in this post. To clarify, this doesn’t mean forgetting everything I’ve been through. To ensure true change, you have to acknowledge your experiences. There is a reason people say “Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.” Cutting was not only a way for me to feel my inner pain as physical pain, but it was also a way for me to reset. I realize now that I only felt this way because I was preparing to cut again.
My New Year’s resolution is to find a new reset button and ensure this particular bad habit stays in 2024. So far, I have been successful in not self-harming, but it has only been a few weeks into the new year. I am trying to remain optimistic and have faith in myself, but a large part of goal-setting requires creating realistic goals and being patient with yourself.
It might sound cliche, but anyone who has or is currently combating self-harm, please know that you are not alone. Reaching out to someone I trust or distracting myself with healthy hobbies whenever I feel the urge to self-harm has helped me greatly. I hope that anyone reading this who can resonate with anything I’ve said knows that it’s possible to make progress in overcoming self-harm, and there are resources available should you or someone you know be in need.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with self-harm or an emotional crisis, help is available. Text or call 988 or chat 988lifeline.org to speak with a caring counselor 24/7.
CJ
Ilana
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