As a transgender boy, denial and the pressure of societal standards for masculinity keep me from realizing who I truly am. After all, I prefer to keep my hair long. Fitness and sports aren’t my thing. I get easily upset while watching sad films or when I’m insulted. These are just a few of the things that led me to believe I could never grow up to become a man.
A couple of months ago, I talked with my friend on the phone. We had been chatting for about an hour when my gender identity came to mind again. I leaned back in my seat and asked him, “What is it like to be a boy?”
He went over the differences he noticed between boys and girls, mainly in friendships and anatomy. I could hear the liveliness drain from his voice as he said, “We just don’t talk about our emotions like that.”
Years ago, my older brother and I were talking about our fashion preferences. He clicked his tongue and said, “Women have so many choices; they get to wear pants, skirts, dresses…but guys have to wear the same thing all the time.”
When I asked him why he couldn’t just wear whatever he wanted, he responded, “Because that’s too flamboyant.”
Men often face great pressures from society to be “manly.” They’re typically expected to be assertive, tough, and independent. They’re generally encouraged to have traditionally masculine interests like sports or fishing. Mental and physical strength are also key parts of these expectations, along with being a protector or having power.
Gender norms like these often interfere with our lives in ways we don’t always recognize. For example, memes about guys lounging or sitting comfortably may prompt them to worry that their posture is too “feminine.” Additionally, men are less likely to seek help, which can have serious consequences, such as in cases of domestic abuse. In a study done by Durham University, male victims who fit into the man box (a.k.a: standards for masculinity) did not feel manly enough. They compensated for this lack of manliness by not getting the help they needed.
No one can actually achieve all the unrealistic societal standards for being a “real” man, This desperation to do so actually strips away our humanity. Here’s a good thing for my fellow dudes: you don’t have to shrink yourself to fit into these expectations. Living a life with less restriction is possible! Here’s how.
- Be aware of your feelings. Emotional suppression is a common struggle that comes from being trapped in the societal expectations of masculinity. Tuning in with your emotions helps you deal with them in a healthy way. Start practicing mindfulness through journaling, art, meditation, exercise, or anything else that helps you pause and assess your emotional state.
- Follow your own values. It’s time to pack it up and ask yourself who you actually wish to be. Choose the principles you want to follow. Some examples are fairness, creativity, or orderliness. However, these values aren’t set in stone, and you can change them whenever you’d like.
- Show love to others. Kindness is not only beneficial for other people, but for you as well. According to Greater Boston Behavioral Health, you’ll reap better interpersonal connections, the activation of dopamine and oxytocin, and feelings of accomplishment. All of these can improve mood and self-esteem.’
- Show love to yourself. Talking yourself into being mentally and emotionally strong is one-way self-love can manifest. But it’s not the only way for men. Compassionate self-talk, taking a break, indulging in a hobby, or reaching out for help are all valid options.
Understandably, even with this knowledge, it can be difficult to let go of societal standards and expectations. They’re deeply ingrained, and it can be challenging to be yourself when others struggle to see past gender norms.
Remember, it doesn’t matter what you look like, how you sound, or what your interests are–your gender identity is still yours. I’ve come to understand this over time, and for my own comfort, I’ve made some changes to present myself in a more traditionally masculine way. But the parts of me that aren’t always considered “manly,” like my indifference to sports or my sensitivity, are also a part of who I am–and that’s okay.
The takeaway is this: rigid gender expectations aren’t the way–love is. People aren’t locked into who they are now, and that includes guys who have been taught to fit into society’s definition of a man. Allowing yourself to become the man you truly want to be might inspire others to do the same. Any criticism you face for being authentic doesn’t define you.
What matters is that you stay true to yourself.
If you or someone you know is struggling with tough thoughts or emotions right now, you’re not alone. Help is available 24/7. Text or call 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org to get connected with a trained, caring counselor.
Works Cited:
Westmarland, N., & Burrell, S. R. (2023). ‘I’m a red-blooded male’: Understanding men’s experiences of domestic abuse through a feminist lens. Criminology & Criminal Justice, 0(0). doi.org/10.1177/17488958231210985
Conway, Blaise. “Boost Your Self-Esteem through the Power of Kindness.” Mental Health Treatment | MA, Greater Boston Behavioral Health, 4 Sept. 2024, greaterbostonbehavioralhealth.com/rehab-blog/kindness-boost-self-esteem/
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