Disenfranchised Grief, the Unaccepted Losses

‘It will pass. There are plenty of fish in the sea’ they said to me, as my heart was cleaving into two pieces. In that moment, I knew with complete certainty that this pain would not pass as painlessly as many made me believe. 

Many, like myself, have experienced the significant loss of a relationship, whether it be a friendship breakup or the loss of a partner. The depletion of a relationship of any kind is devastating. When we lose an immediate family member due to death, our jobs, schools, and community stereotypically provide some time away for us to grieve and then return back to ‘normal’. Society tends to have the following timeline set aside to accommodate loss: experience, grieve for a short period of time, and move on. However, those who have personally dealt with loss know that this process is not simple or linear. Grief is a consistent wound. Grief feels like a barrier that blocks our path forward. Grief is exhausting. 

As I spent time in my early adulthood delving into the nuances of navigating relationship loss, I was able to interact with a multitude of people who experienced something similar. Every individual expressed the same amount of shock when I told them that they were allowed to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive. The concept of disenfranchised grief is to cope with a loss that is not traditionally accepted by society. These losses can include a breakup, the death of an ex-partner, miscarriages, the loss of pets, the loss of a job, the loss of a home, and many others. In a world where people constantly tell you to get over it, or stop talking about it, or to ‘just move on’, let’s pause and remind ourselves that grief is not that simple. 

Experiencing a loss that is not traditionally viewed as such by society feels extremely isolating. As most loss goes, our circle of people and the community around us will hyperfocus on our needs for a short period of time. Yet, as the world keeps spinning, they keep living, and their focus inevitably begins to ease away from us and our needs. With a breakup, we may experience some sympathy and attention from others, however as that drifts away, our heartache persists. At this time of the breakup journey, we are now resting in a limbo state. Others have shifted their focus elsewhere. Some time has passed since the initial loss, and we are now floating in this secluded space, watching as the lives of others keep moving. So now what?

Well, the good news is that you are not alone. There are many many people in this world who have experienced a similar life-changing loss, and there are many many more who have yet to experience a heartache of their own. Coping and healing looks different for everyone, as we are all uniquely different in our own incredible way. Lean into what works for you, whether that be journaling, music, or exercising. Maybe it’s a long ride with windows down, breathing in the crisp autumn air. When society makes you feel like your loss is not valid, remember that there is no distinct timeline or schedule for you to grieve. You and your experience are valid, even if your losses fall into the category of disenfranchised. If the grief is debilitating and real to you, then it is valid. Grief is grief, no matter what kind of loss has occurred. 

There may have been other fish in the sea, yet I was not in the space to hear that. Instead, I just needed to focus on figuring out how to swim.

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Works Cited:

Doka, K. J. (2008). “Disenfranchised Grief in Historical and Cultural Perspective.” In M. S. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, H. Schut, & W. Stroebe (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement research and practice: Advances in theory and intervention (pp. 223–240). American Psychological Association. doi.org/10.1037/14498-011