Growing into Pure OCD

CW: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, homicidal urges, mentions of depression and anxiety.

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. The following explains my experience with OCD.  

When you hear the term “OCD”, you may think of lining everything up in order or keeping your room extremely clean. You may even picture Jack Nicholson’s character in the film As Good As It Gets or the witty detective Adrian Monk.

Although things such as cleanliness and order can be symptoms of OCD, not every person struggling with OCD experiences the compulsion to clean. OCD looks different for each person, and there is not a singular manifestation. There are many ways OCD can present in a person. 

At seven years old, I was diagnosed with the worst case of OCD my pediatrician had ever seen. I showed clear signs of physical compulsions, such as washing my hands until they bled, checking that doors were locked multiple times, doing actions in sets of particular numbers, and more. 

Thankfully, I found a great decrease in symptoms when I did a mixture of neurofeedback and biofeedback therapy, which essentially trained my brain to respond to stimuli more productively. I also regularly attended talk therapy sessions with a child therapist. 

Throughout middle school and the majority of high school, I experienced thoughts that made me uncomfortable (I would later identify them as intrusive thoughts) and some compulsions when I was under stress, but it was nowhere near as debilitating as it had been when I was much younger. 

It wasn’t until the end of my senior year of high school that I started getting severely stuck on thought loops. A simple thought would spiral into a week-long debate inside of my head, often about rather taboo topics. 

Up until that point, I had always assumed that OCD was characterized by the physical manifestation of symptoms, rather than mental compulsions. Then, I learned about a new term, “Pure OCD”.

Nicholas Farrell, Ph.D., defines pure OCD as, “a subtype of OCD that’s characterized by intrusive thoughts, images or urges without any visible physical compulsions”. 

For those who are more familiar with OCD compulsions such as hand-washing, the idea of pure OCD may seem quite odd, especially considering the common narrative surrounding the disorder. 

However, for me, understanding the term was extremely comforting, as I finally felt as though my brain and thought process could be explained somehow. Especially because one of the most difficult parts of pure OCD for me was the feeling of isolation caused by having vulgar, obscene intrusive thoughts. These thoughts were often linked to a variety of other OCD subtypes. 

Subtypes of OCD can include but are not limited to false memory OCD, harm OCD, relationship OCD, contamination OCD, sexual orientation OCD, scrupulosity (religious) OCD, and more. Avoiding situations that trigger intrusive thoughts, experiencing guilt or discomfort about intrusive thoughts, and seeking reassurance are just a few symptoms of Pure OCD.

I often use this example when explaining an OCD thought process to someone: Say someone is driving down the street and they see someone on the sidewalk and think that they could run off the road to purposefully hit them. Someone who has OCD may think this thought and begin to ruminate on it, thinking about it over and over again, maybe even fearing that they have homicidal urges. What is key is that the person does not actually want to hit someone, but more so they are stuck on the thought of doing so, and the thought itself has nothing to do with the person, their morals, or who they are.

As you may imagine, these types of topics can be uncomfortable to discuss, which could make it terrifying for someone to come forward and ask for help. However, speaking with a therapist with knowledge about OCD can truly make a huge difference because they can help you realize that your thoughts are not reflective of who you are.

For OCD sufferers, their biggest fear can be that they will do the things their intrusive thoughts are suggesting, which may cause extreme distress and other mental health concerns such as depression or anxiety. 

This is one of the largest reasons I firmly believe it is essential for the general public to learn about mental health conditions such as OCD. That way, if someone begins experiencing potential OCD symptoms, they have a better chance of identifying them and seeking help. 

Organizations such as the International OCD Foundation, Beyond OCD, Intrusive Thoughts, and OCD Action are wonderful resources for learning more about this disorder, its symptoms, and forms of treatment.

Although I still struggle with OCD symptoms, I am in a much better place than I was at other times in my life. The thoughts that once terrified or confused me do not define me in the way that I used to let them and I am eternally grateful for that. 

If you are diagnosed with OCD or are experiencing symptoms that you feel may be indicative of OCD, please know that you are not defined by your thoughts and or compulsions. 

If you need support, I urge you to reach out to a trusted person in your life, an OCD support group such as OCD-Support, or a medical professional. 

I am sending you a ton of love and light.