My Journey to Healing: Overcoming Self-Harm

CW: Mentions of self-harm, harmful behaviors, and addiction. 

Two years ago, I couldn’t imagine giving up self-harm or non-suicidal self-injury  (SH/NSSI). Because my wounds would always heal, I felt like there was no risk in engaging in these behaviors. Now that I’ve been clean for over a year, I can appreciate the growth and healing I’ve experienced, and how far I’ve come from my struggles with self-harm. 

The decision to get clean wasn’t initially mine– while in inpatient/residential eating disorder treatment, I didn’t have access to the tools I was used to. In this program, I was forced to utilize new coping skills that I had no prior experience with. I didn’t want to use them, but in order to be discharged from treatment, I had to practice them. After six months in different levels of treatment, I was able to establish a familiarity with the success. I was able to keep mostly clean using healthier coping mechanisms that worked better for me, but even when I did have a lapse, it didn’t satisfy me the way it used to. Because of this, I have not engaged in self-harm behaviors for over a year.

But if I’m being honest, I still experience urges from time to time. Every now and then, I have to deal with wanting to feel self-inflicted pain, with my urges lasting anywhere from a few moments to the entire day. It’s usually sporadic, typically if something terrible happens. However, despite these challenges, I’ve been able to stay clean.

Whenever I feel these impulses, I remind myself that self-harm is not something I want to engage in anymore. If I find myself subconsciously returning to my old habits, I recognize what I am doing and tell myself to stop. It takes a lot of practice to be able to “snap out” of the mindset and recognize that what you are doing is potentially dangerous, even though it doesn’t take the emotional or sensory urge away. Once I’m able to come to my senses and acknowledge what I’m doing, it becomes easier for me to immediately stop.

Another helpful tool that I use is distractions. My favorite one is to take a shower–I don’t understand the magic behind it, but it helps reset my mood and thoughts.  When I’m unable to shower or have already done so, I turn to other coping mechanisms,  such as talking to a friend (either about the urge or not), playing solitaire, listening to my favorite music, practicing guitar, doing homework or research, or going for a drive. Typically, during urges, I’ll choose an activity that requires my full attention or my hands to remain occupied.

In addition to distractions, I remind myself of how long I have been clean and the reasons I choose not to relapse. I find it helpful to make a list of the reasons I am in recovery and the potential consequences of relapse, referring to it whenever I experience urges. However, it’s easier said than done, especially for those in earlier stages of recovery.  Over time, navigating self-harm urges became easier for me. That doesn’t mean they stopped completely, but I experienced a noticeable decline after a few months. Now that it’s been a year, I almost never get them–maybe once every few months.

This is coming from someone who was heavily addicted to almost every self-harming behavior. Again, I couldn’t see a life without NSSI, but now I can’t see a life with it. Everything difficult in my life was made even harder by my self-harm addiction. Without it, I’ve learned to better regulate my emotions and “ride the wave” of urges. I feel confident in any clothes, even in the summer, and I’m able to connect more genuinely with others. I’ve regained my parents’ trust and no longer have to lie to them. I also don’t worry about infections anymore, and I feel at peace with myself instead of feeling consumed by self-hatred. All of these changes took time – a lot of time – but they’ve been so much more fulfilling than the brief relief self-harm ever gave me.

If you are struggling with self-harm/non-suicidal self-injury, please know you are not alone. These unwanted behaviors can be frustrating to kick.  If you are on your journey to healing like me, I commend you for your efforts. Even though recovery can feel difficult at times, there may come a day when you look back and feel pride in how far you’ve come.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with self-harm or an emotional crisis, help is available. Text or call 988 or chat 988lifeline.org to speak with a caring counselor 24/7.