High Functioning Depression: A Silent Fight

CW: Mentions of depression and panic attacks. 

When I tell people that I suffer from depression, the response usually looks like this: a head tilt followed by, “Really? I would have never guessed.” I have a full-time job, I regularly communicate with my family and friends, I attend social gatherings, and have several responsibilities that I uphold. On the surface, I’m a high-achieving and productive person. But, I also get overwhelmed easily, have intrusive thoughts, hold so much tension in my body that my hands constantly shake, overthink things to the point of inducing panic attacks, struggle to get out of bed, disassociate, and fight feelings of hopelessness, emptiness, and existential dread daily.

I struggle with high-functioning depression. Also referred to as  “smiling depression”, this term describes individuals who appear happy to others but in actuality are smiling through the pain and keeping the inner realities hidden. It’s a major depressive disorder with atypical symptoms, and as a result, many struggling with it don’t realize they’re depressed and thus don’t always seek help. Those who do often prefer to keep their struggle private.

Depression is typically seen as an “all or nothing” mental illness. Many believe false notions that depression typically involves spending hours, days, or even weeks in bed, or being unable to hold down a job, maintain relationships, or perform basic functions. When it comes to high achievers, many question how someone who just ran a marathon, had a kid, graduated college, got a promotion, etc. be depressed. However, the thing about depression is that it doesn’t care if you’re good at your job, maintain relationships, or anything outside of that. Depression doesn’t discriminate and it isn’t always visible. And because it’s not, people are shocked to learn that someone like me—someone as active, as social, as “happy” as me—could struggle with depression. 

The reality is that at the end of most days, I am completely exhausted from the smallest tasks, like responding to an email, texting a friend about their day, or performing basic self-care like showering and eating. Once I’m alone, I often find myself crying and wanting to call in sick. But when the next day actually comes, I’m too afraid to not show up. Eventually, after debating with myself for far longer than I should, I drag myself out of bed. This cycle often feels never-ending. 

When people act surprised when I tell them I have depression, not only do I regret talking about my mental health, but I also feel invalidated. It feels as though my struggles are not hard enough, serious enough, or visible enough to justify my depression. When I get that response, I feel ashamed, ashamed that I’m not able to “get over it” or “look on the bright side” or “think positively.”

There are few things more exhausting than pretending you’re fine when you’re really not. If you can relate, you’re not alone. Try spending a little extra time on self-care if this sounds like you. Take an extra nap over the weekend, or have some “introvert time” if you need to recharge.

Depression often makes people feel worthless. So much of my life is dedicated to challenging those thoughts. No matter your experience, no matter how your depression presents itself, you should know: there is no shame in feeling this way, doing so does not make you less important, valid, accomplished, successful, whatever quality you hold dear. If you think you are feeling depressed, you are not alone. 

If you or someone you know needs support now, help is available. Text or call 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org to speak with a trained, caring counselor, 24/7.